In Soul Whispers, I spend a lot of time writing about my lifelong search for “family,” not my birth family, which presented me with challenges that took years to resolve, but the one that
made me feel like I was home, like I was with people who mirrored my deepest spiritual longings and values.
Do you feel that longing, your soul’s cries for a loving community in which you can realize your best nature, feel embraced in the arms of brothers and sisters who share your desire for a greater purpose in life? People you feel you know when you first meet them? This need for community is deeply embedded in our very genes. At its most basic level it means survival. The chances of thriving in a hostile Earth environment are multiplied exponentially when we are part of a community. We feel better when we belong to something, be it a fraternity, a church, even a bowling league or Facebook group. But beyond this, we seem to be imbued with another, higher urge, the one we could call the desire for “communion.” We long to commune with a higher sense of purpose, of a meaningfulness to our existence, a higher power. We feel somehow separated from some source, as though we’ve been abandoned here. We long to connect again with that home, that cosmic parent, the place from which we came. Thus, we invent “religion.” The origin of the word comes from the Latin religio, which is defined as rebinding, reconnecting to that source where we feel loved unconditionally, at peace, assured of our value, fully alive and having a sense of belonging. Religion, however, is hardly immune to the darker aspect of community. In all communities there is the potential to be manipulated into a mindset that begins to “other” those who are outside of one’s preferred group. Within religion, for example, consider the atrocities committed on those not worshiping in the same manner or to the same god(s) as the more powerful, established religion. Consider the fate of Jews and other people “othered” in Nazi Germany. Look at the chaos in the United States nowadays when we have become finger- pointers at anyone not sharing our values, the same skin color, language, or political ideology.
The greater such “othering,” the greater the emergence of hatred and violence directed towardthose on the outside of that community. Think about it. This happens even in our school experience when our group, whether it is the cool kids or nerds, when our identification with one or the other, allows us to cross the boundaries of civility and kindness to become bullies, bullied, or worse. ronically, then, this inherent urge to belong, to become better through the cohesion of individuals into something greater than themselves, can easily become a force for evil. It all depends on our ability to hold the tension between our individuality and our group identification. If we are unable to do this, we are easily subsumed into the lowest forms of human behavior—mob consciousness—in which the higher functions of our mind and the civilizing forces of culture fly away like leaves in a hurricane.
I am fortunate to have lived long enough and done enough self-examination to understand the benefits and pitfalls of group identity. I remember vividly how differently—proud, righteous, and handsome—I felt as a boy donning my beautiful blue and gold Cub Scout uniform. Any kind of uniform does exactly the same thing. It downplays our individuality and directs us toward conformity and a sense of belonging and power to be a part of something larger. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it requires a strong sense of our inner worth and convictions to retain our balance. We are so vulnerable to this urge to identify with something outside of ourselves, that even wearing a hat makes us feel differently. For instance, a hat that identifies us as a fan of a certain sports team, sometimes even encourages us to punch someone wearing another team’s hat. Have doubts? Have you considered the power of a president wearing a MAGA hat? Or the liberating power of putting on a pagan mask at a Mardi Gras parade? My deepest dive into this awareness happened when, out of my hunger for “family,” I joined a religious sect sometimes known as the Moonies in the 1970s. It took nearly a dozen years for me to understand what had happened to me and break free from the bonds of groupthink that had kept me there.
In Soul Whispers, I relate how later a boss I worked for, whose husband was a retired Air Force pilot, asked me what it had been like being in the Moonies. I paused for a moment, wondering how she might react, and then said, “Very much like being in the military.” Surprised, she asked, “Really? How so?” “Well, in both cases we’re recruited based on our desire and love,” I said. “Unless they are narcissists or antisocial, I think most people who sign up for military service and join religious cults have a desire to be part of a community, an extended family of similarly minded people. Typically, we have high ideals, a love of country or a desire to be part of something bigger than ourselves. We want to matter, to do something greater than living a little life. When we come to believe in that cause, whatever it is, we’re willing to sacrifice ourselves for it and do whatever is necessary to be a part of it. And we are proud of our sacrifice. We sing anthems of praise to it. We defend it and suppress any doubts we might have about it. Inevitably, we surrender our autonomy, subsuming ourselves into a hierarchical structure. We are rigorously trained to follow orders given by people in charge, believing that our leaders know what they are doing.”
Neither individuality nor community are inherently bad if we are keenly aware of their pitfalls.
So, this is our challenge—to avoid plunging off either side of this tightrope-walk over the abyss below. We have tools that can help us get safely to the other end of the rope. But we need to seek them, perhaps out of disappointment, disaster, or a gnawing hunger for truth. The best ones I have found so far are these: spending time away from the noise and distractions of our busy lives. Sitting quietly in self-examination and reflection. Being deeply curious about and even desperately longing for answers to the big questions in life: “Who am I?” “What is my mission in this life?” “How do I become a better person, more loving, caring, and useful in this world?”
The best tool I’ve yet found is the Heart Center, that chakra, that place in the center of our chest that is the portal for unconditional love. Relaxing into this center cuts through all the
judgment and comparison, allowing us to see a larger picture and more possibilities for living in this world. It won’t help make one richer, more successful in their career or better looking, but it
certainly will provide a sense of grace along your journey. It’s all about balance. We must cultivate the skills of diving deeply into community … and then skillfully withdraw into an
individual awareness of self. The dance of life.
Happy trails.